By William Borden,
Safe Crossings Foundation

Last month we learned about the death of Ingrid Lyne of Renton, a tragic story that has generated headlines locally and nationally. It is heartening that so many have raised money to support Ingrid’s children through a GoFundMe campaign.

In the months to come, we will learn more about the horrific circumstances surrounding Ms. Lyne’s death. Meanwhile, her three daughters – ages 12, 10, and 7 – will somehow go on with their lives, attending school and soccer and band practice, all the while dealing with burdensome grief. They are not alone: according to a study by Comfort Zone Camp underwritten by New York Life, 1 in 7 young people will lose a parent or sibling before age 20, either through illness, accident, homicide or suicide.

Fifty percent of children who lose a parent do so between the ages of 15 and 19, a time when most teenagers struggle to manage the stress of peer pressure and adult development. Academic studies confirm that these young people are at a greater risk for depression, withdrawal, anxiety, poor school performance, teen pregnancy, and lower self-esteem.

Ms. Lyne’s children, and thousands more like them, need powerful advocates. Fortunately, services exist for grieving children, many of which are free. Camp Erin-King County, a high energy, three-day overnight camp run by Providence Hospice of Seattle, is one example. Others include The Healing Center and Art with Heart in Seattle, Bridges in Tacoma, Our Tree House in Bellingham, and Grief Place in Wenatchee. More are listed on the Find Support tab on Safe Crossings Foundation’s website.

Few of us prepare for death, yet some preparation can go a long way. When a loved one dies, we typically struggle for the right words. Phrases like “At least she’s no longer in pain” or “Try to focus on the good things in life” or “It’s time for you to step up for your family” don’t acknowledge a child’s fear or guilt. Open-ended questions like “What sorts of things have you been thinking about since your mother died?” or “What kinds of memories do you have about your dad?” or “Tell me how your family is doing and about your concerns for them” allow the child to express deeper feelings.

Experts tell us that grief is both inevitable and never-ending, yet specialized therapy, counseling and peer support groups can help young people learn to cope. As one 16-year-old Camp Erin participant told me, “Grieving is like wearing a big, heavy coat all the time, and [these programs] allow you to remove that big, heavy coat, look up at the sunshine and remember the good times.”

Most kids don’t receive the help they need. Many say they don’t want it. They deny their fear, which festers into anger, anger into self-destruction. This is the role for an advocate, be it a family member, friend, or simply someone who cares for a child’s well-being.

Death is not the time to back off and hope for the best. As Ingrid Lyne’s friends demonstrate, death is the time to get involved, to assert yourself and help light the way forward. By guiding a child to grief services, a shattered youngster can rebuild her confidence and hope. When tragedy strikes, please don’t delay. Get involved.

William Borden is executive director Safe Crossings Foundation of Seattle, whose mission is to be a leader in funding services that help grieving children heal. Its website is safecrossingsfoundation.org