By Rich Elfers

What are the qualities of an ideal husband or an ideal wife? These were questions I asked international high school students in a class I taught recently at Green River College. I had asked these same question to sociology students when I taught at Sumner High School. Both times student answers were hilarious.

When I asked the boys, their answers were consistent, no matter which country they came from: Good bodies and big boobs, were their first answers. Only after these qualities were covered did they note that they wanted someone with a nice personality, someone who had a sense of humor, and who was easy to get along with.

When I asked the girls, I was surprised to hear from some of the international students that they, too, as their first choices, wanted husbands who had nice bodies and were good looking. Although American girls mentioned that their husbands should be good looking and fit, it was obvious to me that the American girls were also concerned with character traits: kindness, gentleness and being good with children. Only later in the discussion did the international girls start suggesting that they wanted dependable, hard-working husbands.

The international girls were a lot more reticent about what they wanted in a husband. I suppose the explanation for this might be that their social structure was more patriarchal, where girls had fewer choices and where males were dominant and authoritarian. They had been taught to be much more submissive and therefore had fewer expectations for their future husbands.

As I wrote their answers on the board, the list made up by the American and international boys had four or five characteristics, while the American girls’ list reached 20 or more qualities. At that point I started to laugh at the contrast between the sexes in America.

It became obvious to me that American girls spend a great deal more time and thought in defining the qualities they want in their husbands, probably because they have more choice in the matter and marital relationships are usually more egalitarian. The boys’ answers tended to be much more superficial and hormone driven, rather than focusing on character.

Given the high divorce rates in this country and the current cultural tendency to live together before marriage or not marry at all, it seems that as a culture we should consider being better guides to our children as they enter into puberty and marrying age.

Most of us, no matter what the culture, tend to look to the role models we grew up with and to use our mothers and fathers as standards of what a good husband or wife should be. If we are fortunate enough to have positive models, we are more likely to marry someone who has the qualities we most admire in our parents.

Many children today are not so fortunate as to have good examples for parents. Many live in single-parent families, usually with no father figure at all. In these cases, it becomes very difficult, for boys especially, to understand how to treat women, or for girls to understand what a good husband and father should be.

We could help our children a great deal if we had conversations with them about what traits and qualities to look for in a potential spouse, long before they become romantically involved and their ability to think becomes impaired.

My daughter felt comfortable enough as a young woman to ask me what to look for in a potential husband. She lived in South Africa and I had no chance to meet her young man. I told her the key trait to strongly consider for her future husband was “integrity.” I defined this term to mean that he made promises and then kept them.

To put this same trait in another way, he did not make promises that he did not keep. This character trait should also be true for wives.

After eight years of marriage my daughter and her husband are still together and happily married.

Perhaps all parents should ask the questions I asked my students: “What makes an ideal husband or wife?” The discussion can plant a seed to help prepare our children for marriage. It can give them a frame of reference to consider and remember years later. Such a discussion might actually help curb the high divorce rate and provide a much more stable environment for the next generation to grow up in.

Richard Elfers is a history professor at Green River College.