Those in the newspaper world are collectively wringing their hands and tearing their hair over the sale of a couple of East Coast dailies, the impact of the Internet, revenue and other garbled gerunds.

In the office, a couple of us were reading a release from the CEO of a national online media outlet that used a string of mangled and malignant clauses to describe something. I was never sure what, but I suspect he was laying off a pile of people — of course, in a proud and positive way. He sprinkled in a few references to the happy future, models and commitment, which really means: no future, stupid plastic models that don’t fit together, and “I want more money for my commitment to nothing.”

CEOs should try playground rules occasionally. Say what you mean or we take your marbles.

One would think an industry that is supposed to be about communications would occasionally try that – communicate.

Every time someone from the media business predicts the future, I get a headache and run for the buttermilk. It’s the only thing that cures me.

However, there are much more important issues than media moguls and their malicious clauses – and chief among those issues are sheets.

Forget newspapers, we need to consider bed sheets.

I was listening to the women who surround me at the office during the Enumclaw Street Fair, and they were going on and on about bed sheets. I could not understand what the heck the fuss was about. They were talking about buying sheets. I never thought anyone ever actually bought sheets for themselves. I figure they came as gifts, or when you rented a cheap bed it came with sheets.

Who knew women really buy sheets and apparently like to buy them? Like it is fun or something.

I have an economic theory. When God created Eve, the sheet business came with the package.

I know of no male-type human who would put a sheet on a bed if it were not for a woman. Without women, the entire industry would collapse overnight.

Know what would happen then? Sheet CEOs would come out with a bunch of “we are proudly looking forward to a positive future with our bed sheetless model for men who are really pigs.”

I better go find some sheets to proudly put on my bed.